The lesson of tears

It's not even noon and it's been a tough morning. I woke up irritated and not about anything but my own space and quiet. I have gotten so used to being by myself that living back home has been such a huge adjustment! Today I just felt so emotional and didn't want to talk to anyone. My parents were up with their usual morning routine buzzing all around and every single sound had me on the edge of a cliff. I was never a morning person in general, but now that I am pregnant I am hyper-sensitive to random things at the most random times. Most days it's the smell of certain things, but other days it's sound. & this morning, all sounds were driving me crazy. Well, I got up and took a shower and just let the heat soak through my body. It's amazing how just the sensation of hot water can cause such refreshing feelings. I found my peace and solitude in there and I didn't want to get out. Of course as most young ladies, I have a ritual on getting dressed and ready for my day. (even if my day consist of me being in the house and watching re-runs of these awful reality shows)

***Side Bar*** Why do I watch these shows? I guess they serve as comedic tragedies that force me to thank God for my "plain life". I enjoy "Real Housewives of whomever" & "Love & Hip Hop". I used to watch Mob Wives, but they are a little too cut throat for me. I will flip the channels and sit in awe of all the drama these cameras capture while these women claim to have such busy lives. In the past 4 years I have been a full time student that held down 2 jobs most months, and have no where near as much time for drama as these women that own businesses and run companies. Oh well, guess it's part of the the intriguing mystery that captivates hours of my precious time in staring at the tv. 

OK... Back to my regularly scheduled blog, after my shower I fed my little bun in the oven because as usual, by the time I awake she's kicking me for food. After doing so, I was so drained I just wanted to lay back down. I couldn't muster the energy to talk so everyone had mostly been getting head nods as my form of communication. I had not had my morning Gospel music time since moving back home, so I plugged in my headphones and just rested my head. I had this sudden urge to just cry. I resisted because I didn't exactly know what I was crying for, but I couldn't hold it in. At first they were just a few drops, then I started to silently cry from deep within. Words from my last conversation with my child's father (which didn't end well) ran through my head, and I realized I had not expelled the emotions from that mess. I felt the anxiety of being having to raise my precious gift by myself. I felt the worry of how to balance this all out. I felt the longing for my friends and my sense of purpose. I cried until I felt like I could breath and find my voice again then I sat up and felt like my day could begin the way I needed it to be.

LESSON FOR THE DAY:

  Sometimes you just have to let the tears flow

I did not know what I was crying for but my body needed to unload that bottled emotion. Many times I have kept my tears and hurt and anguish in because I felt it wouldn't make things better by letting them out. My own body and mind taught me today that sometimes we just have to let it flow even if we don't know why. Now, I am smiling and feel peace. It didn't take long to find my center today, but it did take an "education" moment. Everyone have a blessed day!

Here is where I begin

             This is my first installation into the blog scene. Bare with me as I am new to this. This blog will be a place to share my trials, tribulations, triumphs, and victories. So let's dive in....

I am a southern girl with California influence. My life can be explained in key 3 points:

• God (I am SDA and view God as the head of my life)
• Family (Family is everything to me. I am a true mamma's girl an even with my little one on the way, I don't think I can ever stop being mommy's little girl)
• Education (I am in my last year of undergrad studies with a major in Psychology and a minor in Child Development)

Now, onto the story of what brought me here... I met this guy back in August 2012 and immediately he and I started to date. At first everything was great. Wonderful dates, thoughtful words, exciting times. We spent most of our free time together. Met each other's family, and fell in love with the idea of being loved. He spoiled me with gifts, I spoiled him in attention. Our love languages were very different, but they seemed to fit. Unfortunately things turned for the worse, yet I chose to continue to see the best. Little arguments turned into screaming matches. Names were forgotten and replaced with insults. Actions were done that could never be forgotten nor erased. Criticism became the "go-to" topic of discussion and quickly hearts began to tear apart. I have always seen myself a fixer, so I wanted to try and mend him while forgetting to heal myself. I put myself on the back burner yet he never brought me to the front. My life became about him. Not to say that I was never at fault, because I do have a spit fire temper, but I started to see someone in the mirror I could not the identify with. I started to feel lost in myself. Even in my explanation of these things to him, I was always "weak, emotional, too sensitive, or just spoiled and wanted control". My issues were never validated nor acknowledged and so as time went on I began to feel like I was just a trophy to him. Something for show, but never to be useful for anything else but showing off his accomplishments and his perfections. Yet, I stayed with him hoping things would change and he would see how much I loved him and in turn he would love me just the same. (Stupid, I know). In August of 2013, I found out I was pregnant and immediately my life changed. As a full time student who was working my way through school, I had to go down to one job, and still had a hard time keeping up because of early complications. There was no immediate excitement for the baby (sue me), but in time, I began to love and become excited for what was growing inside of me. Planning, on  my end, happened right away. For him it was all talk... "My baby will have everything" "I got this" "I always take care of mine". Fast forward some months.... I have been working doubles as a waitress and maintaining a full 18 credits as school. My body is getting weak and I am having complications. I can't keep up with my bills and I am toying with the idea of moving home with my parents. My turning point came after I had to go to the hospital because of excruciating pain and when I called him to tell him what was going on, he told me, "ok... call me when you find out something. If you have to spend the night there, I'll be there tomorrow" I'm sorry... EXCUSE ME?????? I had already made the personal decisions to begin to break of romantic ties with him because he could not handle a relationship. Correction, I could not handle the condescending headache of a relationship he was handing out. So, when this situation happened and I was in the hospital, it had opened my eyes to just how little he thought of anyone else but himself. When I asked him why he did not come to see me in the hospital, he told me "he was tired, and his mind was all over the place". Even if he had no regard for me, he could have at least had some concern for his daughter. He claimed he knew I was going to be fine and so was she, yet it took the hospital 4 hours to figure that out. So he must see in to the future. After that night, my mind and heart had finally accepted it was better to put miles between myself and all that was in that toxic place. My parents were here the next day to help me pack up and move back in with them until after my daughter is born.
At home, with love and peace, is where my life begins again. I am on a journey to find myself, love myself, and believe in myself. This will not be a blog about bashing men, nor about finding love. This is about my journey into becoming a woman, a single woman, a mother, a single mother.